Illusion and Glamour

The witching hour: 4:39 PM

Listening to: I’m not a girl, Not yet a Woman – Britney Spears (Remastered)

This blog post is about me, being a Gemini with a Cancer moon. If you don’t know what that means…we are going to take a look into my brain.

First of all, lets address the title of this blog. Why did I call it “Illusion and Glamour”?

Simple answer: I am deeply upset by a friend who has accused me of being the “Master of Illusion and Glamour”.

Complex answer: Explains why I am upset…please read below.

When I was a very young guy, I was very shy. There was a lot about my world that I didn’t understand, and growing up, I was pushed hard to be successful, well liked, and expressive. I was also a little gay boy. From the time I was 7, struggling for acceptance in my family, and the understanding that I was not normal, or desirable to the people that I cared about.

I was taught growing up, through the reactions of others, that my own self expression (which included, dancing, acting silly, joking, being playful, and flitting around) was not acceptable. And from even a very young age I noticed my two twins.

Twin One: The rational and observant note taker.

Twin Two: The one who says, yeah rational twin…I get it. But its ok!!! We are just going to be happy and proud today!!! (Not like proud to be gay proud, just like…actually proud of being ME, and not shaming myself)

These are my two twins and they compliment each other in a very interesting way. Twin two is at the core of me, my truest self. For a long time, Twin One would try to control me, and he is twin one, because for most of my life, he was what people saw.

Twin One is quiet, rational, protective, analytic, deep thinking, and constantly observing everything. He makes associations about the world around him.

Twin Two is expressive, loving, energetic, fun loving, and carefree.

It was difficult growing up because I have always wanted Twin Two to be at the forefront of my personality. I’ve always wanted to be expressive, show my love and affection, and form happy memories no matter where I am. Inside, that was my desire, and every time I started to realize that part of my twins, it was pushed back into remission by hurtful words from others, and my other twin shaming the happy, hippy lovey one.

I truly felt as if I was living with two minds that were battling one another. I was not taken seriously growing up. Probably because I did not know how to present myself as a consistent fully realized person. Choosing one side over the other. If I was one twin, I was too serious, if I was the other, I wasn’t taking things seriously, and better was expected.

Well, I nurtured my twins separately for a long time. While Twin One took over to help me survive, (Not get abused, beat up, or disregarded), Twin Two got love in the quiet, in the mirror.

Twin Two had a lot of growing and catching up to do. The part of me that valued my individuality had to come forward, and he came through in the shadows, a vain, beauty and approval obsessed creature.

I began at the age of sixteen to question lots of things about myself as one twin tried so hard to express itself, and the other twin separately sought the answers that would help the twin who was drowning in agony.

I could clearly feel the separation inside of myself, and the best way that Twin One could explore, was through media. Videos of gay culture, movies, asking questions, etc. Taking a constant note of all this information, always watching and observing.

He found something for Twin Two to do. Drag.

Yes!!! I am a drag queen, and I have some confessions to make about it.

I started doing drag because I did not feel pretty, accepted, wanted, or like I had a voice.

One part of me was latent, and needed to be explored, That is the plain, honest to god, truth. So yes, I was glamour obsessed. Not with frills, fancy dancing, being desired by others…but it became a battle slowly, with the help of Twin One, to accept my full and whole self, though others could not.

So Twin One did the best he could. Helped me to learn what I needed to know to get it done. How to dress, do makeup, hair, talk, walk and be so that I could be accepted enough, to explore myself.

For the longest time, doing drag was painful for me. It was a battle. It took me hours to get ready, Twin Two couldn’t accept a single flaw!!! And Twin One couldn’t assist very often, in the way that Twin Two needed him to. When it was time for Twin Two to go back into the darkness, there was a longing, and a mourning. A ritualistic and respectful pattern of undressing. And taking slow and painful strokes to remove the face of Twin Two from the body that belonged to Twin One.

I admit, with all my heart, that this is an odd way to speak about myself. But it is the honest way. While admitting this may make me see odd, crazy, irrational, I am telling you, this is natural, and perfectly sane. I have been accused of many things in my life but recently, I was accused of being a “Master of Illusion and Glamour” by someone I know is hurting just as much as I was, and just as unable to see what was happening in the moment to themselves, as I was when I was going through these realizations about myself, and finding my balance and self actualization.

The separation of my selves when was younger I will not put a tag on. I will not call it “shameful”, “disgraceful”, “crazy”, “a lie”. It was an experience that I allowed myself to have, that I explored and committed to without fear. It was painful, hurt people I love when I lashed out, all the time, fighting within myself to balance. To express love, and have it built by logic, and not impeded by it. To trust myself, and to learn to trust others with myself because I felt whole, and not fragile.

Many of us avoid the experiences that make us stronger. We fight the lessons that we must learn in order to become strong, and to become whole. I will always be working towards that goal. Every action that I take will be to build myself up. It needs no explanation. It is an experience for its own sake. I have two twins…Twin One, who analyzes everything, and allows me to see every piece of reality, and Twin Two, who fearlessly explores what he feels he must, and who wants to share what he learns with everyone. Together they are loving, compassionate, and comprise a deep and fluid understanding of the reality they experience separately, but always together.

There are no illusions in my mind. Only honest experience. Illusions to me, say there are motives under the surface, that are not expressed. That may be true. Why do you need to see every thought in my head? Instead, trust that they are always working together to heal, grow, and spread light to the world. That has been my goal and purpose, and will continue to be throughout my life.

What I want to say about this…is that understanding yourself is work. Learning who you are, and learning how to be happy with yourself is what allows you to be better, grow, create, and achieve your truest potential. While I am a Gemini, I am a deeply caring and loving person. Twin Two isn’t the one who thinks…hes the one who goes with the flow…and Twin Two has to take the wheel over Twin One, when he is trying to figure out the best way to heal you.

Always, they are one person. They are always together, working towards the same goals. Doing the same thing. All the time. Every second. Every day. (Want to test is, just remember, a Gemini has two opinions about everything all the time…see if you can get them to tell you. They will pick the one that they understand the best, until they come to a better understanding. Not lie or make it up…just wait until they feel they know the best truth. The goal they are always working for.)

Never creating an illusion around you.

So when a Gemini speaks to you in a serious moment. You had better hold that moment. You had better trust those words with all of your heart and never let them go!!! That is the deepest part of a Gemini, the twin that is always working on things, that cant always take a break from his work to help you. The twin who keeps the other from sleeping at night. The twin that feels all of your pain that the other experiences and shares, and works to help make you whole. Why? Because that is what Gemini’s do. They find the ways to communicate, and they find the ways to bring unity, and the pieces together.

You can learn a lot of lessons from me. But if any, remember this one.

In order to heal yourself, and to allow other people to help heal you, you must have one thing.

Perfect love, and Perfect Trust.

The kind of love that says, I may not understand now, but I am willing to listen.

The kind of trust that says, you say you are this, and I believe you. You may be failing now, but I trust you are wanting to be who you say you are.

The love that says, I will stand by you, and help you to get there.

Whether with yourself, or another, do not do a person the disservice of not listening to what they say. Especially a Gemini. If they talk to you for healing, it wasn’t something light. Hold on to that from anyone in your life. True help and support, listens, waits, thinks, and offers advice that is supported and creates growth.

Not accuses, based on the surface.

If you look deeper into people, in your considerations, you may find there is no illusion to a Gemini. It is always constant expression, patterned, focused. Just in a different way. But i guarantee, there is no fight a Gemini wont win. There are two of us, and one of you. If we have you in our heart, you will never fail, and we will help you heal as we do too.

Respect and understand your loved ones. Show them support. Allow them to experience what they need to without judgement, and trust them, that what they are going through will build them up. The goal in love is to stand beside someone on their journey. To be an active participant. If you can’t support another person, and value them, and see them for who they will become, leave them alone. That person needs to have their experience, don’t ever stand in their way.

We are all an illusion.

We are all a glamorization.

We say we are whole, when we are not quite.

There is nothing wrong with that!!!

There is only experiencing, and holding yourself accountable for the values you want to uphold. And journeying and learning the lessons to uphold them.

It is not an illusion or a lie to say you are something when you are not. You say it because at the core you know you are. It is absolutely true. But we all have battles to fight, and walls to break down that stand in the way of our voices being heard. Those are burdens, not illusions.

I have fought mine, and left them aside. I am happy with who I am and am becoming a better version of it tomorrow. I will always be growing and changing…and if you look into my past, you will see an illusion. You will see a ghost. Look at me today. What is different, what is the same? Look at yourself.

My growth and my experiences are not glamorous or an illusion, and they do not make me a liar. I am honest in my experience. Every moment. Every day. That will change and grow. And I will transform. And I will have a metamorphosis. That is beautiful, painful, hard work.

If you chose to stand still and stay the same, and watch me, that is your choice. Not a desire in myself to enchant or charm you.

If someone stops along your way, to lend a helping hand, remember to listen. If they are honest, loving, and truthful, have an experience with them, and honor it as that. Sometimes, experiences are difficult, but they are worth it to understand yourself. A Gemini will be your best friend, and worst enemy the whole while. But their biggest wish is to be helpful and healing. So help them do that, and anyone in your life.

If someone speaks their intention, help them live it out. Show them that way. Help them remove their illusion if you will. But you may find through listening, that they are more found than lost, just stick around and you’ll see.

There is no illusion to me. I am two things. A lover, and a thinker. Nothing more. That is all I desire to be. It is honest and the truth. It comes in many forms, at many times, and in many ways. But that is all that is at the core. Expression is not an illusion, but speaking the truth of you, and I hope that all my expressions can be shown to speak those things.

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